I feel like myself again
I ran four strides on Wednesday and my legs have yet to recover 🥲 In spite of the soreness, I want to say it felt good, that I felt like myself again.
I’ve heard people say the same, when they start getting more active after kids again.
“I feel like myself again.”
But now when I consider the sentiment, it’s more depressing than satisfying. Have I not been myself for the last 3-4 years? That seems to discredit how far I’ve come…
And oh the places I’ve been!
🤰🏻🏥👶🏻 🤰🏻🏠👶🏻There were the pregnancies, the births, the trauma, the redemption. Y’all. I went from uninformed and practically disassociated with my first pregnancy, squarely and unquestioningly in the western medicine system, to radicalized and having a physiological home birth in a pool in my bedroom. Like what. I could never have predicted that.
👩🏻💻 There was landing a job at a dream company, the comedown from sky-high expectations, the pulling myself back from the brink of overwhelm and burnout.
👩❤️👨 There was two years of couples counseling and deciding we came far enough to be done (for now).
💁🏻♀️ 👗🛍️ There was becoming a pretty-happy-most-of-the-time midsize woman after a life of size small.
🤱🏻 There was becoming a champion breast feeder. Something like less than 30% of American babies get breastfed for a year and it’s been TWO YEARS, 10 MONTHS, AND COUNTING! Plus tandem nursing for a year now.
👩👧👧 There was awakening to the challenges of motherhood in the United States and the humongous gaps we have in social support, especially for the people who need it the most.
💭 I’ve chipped away at layers of beliefs about myself, gender, sexuality, religion, marriage, body image and fatphobia, my upbringing, the role of medicine and healthcare in our society, and about capitalism and career. These were all major shifts for me. Almost everything seems to be up for questioning and re-integration. It’s beautiful, just exhausting.
So, no, I don’t expect to ever “feel like myself” again. I doubt people meant it to be that deep. Maybe they just meant they felt good on a run that day…
And for fleeting moments, I still have that.